We have been here for almost three months now and I haven't felt the time pass.
It wasn't until I saw a friend post a picture of a blooming lilac bush on Facebook that I realised it's summer in Sweden now. It's not march or april, it's not even spring; it's summer.

In this town there's no seasons, not really. It's sunny, warm and dry almost every day. My body can feel some changes, the past week was not good for my head, it was sticky in the air and the grey skies lay heavy on my head and shoulders and hurt my eyes with a weird bright light that pierces through even the darkest of sunglasses.
But it's still just a variation of warm and sunny. And it's still summer.
So in my mind, in my body, time hasn't moved since we came here in march when the trees in Sweden had just started to get tiny leaves, and buds ready to burst the moment we left the country.
There's other things creating this strange time and space confusion in me.
I left a lot of things in Sweden and I haven't really replaced them with anything here. I'm not talking about stuff, those kinds of things are easily replaced or forgotten, but things that kept my mind busy and growing. You know- my job, my shop and all the work I did creatively, my friends.
I've been thinking a lot about this while we've been here. David is working long days and I have so many hours to fill. I was prepared, sort of; I knew I would have to keep myself busy until my part of this trip would start for real (because it will). But it's so very hard to create new things from nothing.
This is one thing I feel a purpose in- Writing. Another is Self Portraits. A third is working on evolving my creative work (jewelry, photos; art). But there isn't really any goals to work for, just the ones I'm making up for myself, and those can so easily be changed in a second if I don't feel them anymore. It's a sort of work/vacation vacuum, where nothing is familiar and all your fallbacks are in another country.
I see this part of my life as an experiment in Having nothing to do and What happens when your brain isn't challenged.
It's interesting. And quite frustrating.
And I think I will learn things about myself that I wouldn't otherwise.
So I try my hardest to fill my days and my brain with things in this weird time/space confusion I happen to exist in at the moment.
And I will share what discoveries this experiment leads to, if and when, I find them.


Also: this whole "I'm not going to blog iPhone photos anymore" thing is obviously not working out for me. My camera is way too heavy to carry around on my everyday adventures and my iPhone has proven to be a great companion in all of this, so without repeating everything I do on instagram, there will definitely be iPhone photos on this blog.
I actually have an idea; let's see if it will make me blog more. This post is a first try.

Until next time:
Tjingeling!
/Lotta

Yesterday an old memory popped into my brain.
I was maybe 9 or 10 years old, and my parents had just given me my very first key to our apartment. My home key (read in Gollum voice- "my preeeeciouuuuus").
It hung around my neck in a white elastic band and I was so happy, and felt so much pride over the fact that I was now old enough to have my very own key.
I was showing it to everyone in line for school lunch when our teacher's assistant took me aside and told me that maybe I shouldn't show my key to everybody. He said, It's better to keep it to yourself, because keys are valuable things to keep safe.
I was mortified! It was a mixture of feeling ashamed of myself, and being angry with him for stealing my joy.
I remember thinking that I had been so happy and proud and my classmates had treated me like I was cool because I had a key, and then this guy came in and took all of that away and replaced it with only stupid feelings, like shame och worry.
It's strange how this memory has stuck with me all these years. The teacher's assistant was a really nice guy but I'm still a teeny tiny bit mad that he stole my joy in the lunch line that day.

The reason for me having my own key was that I started to walk home by myself directly after school while my parents were still at work.
I had gone to an after school programme up until then, but one day I told my parents that I didn't want to go there anymore.
I wanted to go home and be by myself for a few hours every day. I had apparently been very clear about this and my parents have told me later that they felt this was such a strong longing in me that they just had to listen.
I remember those first afternoons by myself so vividly. It was wonderful.
I used to come home, throw my backpack on the floor and just lie down on the rug and look up at the ceiling and listen to the silence.

I have blogged before about me being bullied in school, and I think I desperately needed to just be alone for a few hours after the school day. No kids, no grown-ups, no parents, only me and the stillness of our apartment. It gave me a feeling of freedom.

I think sometimes society forces kids into social interactions all day everyday, when it's such an important thing to also learn how to just be alone and enjoy it.
I'm positive that those afternoons of alone time are a huge part of why I, to this day, enjoy being by myself so much.

I've talked about it before but I love clothes.
I love clothes and the possibility of expressing myself creatively through what I decide to wear every day.
I have always been a fan of second hand shopping and going to flea markets is probably my favourite hobby of all time.
For one thing: it's like a treasure hunt; you never know if, when and where you'll come upon some really great find. But also: it's cheap.
I have never had a lot of extra money to spend on expensive clothes, and because of that I have started to find ways to have an awesome wardrobe with what I can afford.
Besides shopping affordably I also treasure and save the clothes I have for a very long time. Forever if they hold for it.
I often get comments on my diverse wardrobe and, yes, I do have a lot of clothes, but I also use the same things in a lot of different ways to make it look like I'm not wearing the same outfit every day.
I think of this as a superpower that I need to share with the world.

When I feel an urge to shop but don't have much money to spend, here's a few things I do:

SCARFS!

At thrift stores there's almost always a pile of scarfs. Search through that.
A scarf is the most versatile piece of fabric ever.
A pop of colour or an interesting texture can do wonders to your outfit.

Tie it in your hair. Wrap it around a ballerina bun on top of your head. Trow it casually around your neck or secure it tightly with a knot.
The possibilities are ENDLESS!

And BELTS!

Every thrift shop has a bunch of belts hanging close to the cashier.
Look through them! Closely!
They always look crappy when bunched together like that. Search for a nice colour, thin or wide style, a cool belt buckle. You can find really nice belts for almost no money at all!

Save RIBBONS from gifts you receive. They look cute in your hair! Or even as a belt with a bow at the side of your waist or with the ends hanging loosely.

The forest green, wide ribbon on the top is from when I was maybe 9 years old. I had it for the school photographs in third grade.
It is still a very pretty and useable ribbon.

And for the extra brave: HATS!
Well, I obviously don't think hats are for brave people only, but many seem to be scared of wearing hats. Stupid.
Hats are AWESOME! And you can find a lot of really cool hats at flea markets and thrift stores.

I mean: Look how great hats are!
Both of these hats were found at flea markets. The red one cost me 10 kr (1.1 USD) and the brown was 40 kr (4.5 USD) if I remember correctly.

And don't forget to ACCESSORIZE!
Brooches for an example are super versatile. Put them on your jacket sleeve, sure, but you can also secure a brooch to a cardigan that doesnt have buttons to make sure it stays closed. Or put them on your hat, on a bag, or hang it in a thin ribbon and wear as a necklace.
You get the idea? Versatile!

Also:

Do you have tights with large holes on the foot part? Cut it off and make leggings! Pair with a sock in a different colour for a nice contrast.

Now I'm going to reveal one of my best secrets. It's not really a secret though, some of you might have noticed already, but I have a skirt that I wear almost daily.
It's a black velvet skater skirt from Black Milk Clothing. The brand or style doesn't really matter but what DOES matter is that I like it, I think it's comfortable and it goes with a lot of the clothes I already own.
And THAT is how you wear the same skirt every day for more than a week without getting bored.

Need more proof? Well, here you go:

Now for the getting dressed part.
If you have a black dress or skirt/tank top think like this: what colour can I wear around the dress. Think of the dress as the middle and surround it with a theme, like a colour.
Some days I first decide what socks or tights I should wear.
So a pair of wine red tights go well with mustard coloured socks. Then I can add a scarf or a ribbon in wine red to my hair and then something that picks up on the mustard too. A belt maybe?

And then you have a really nice outfit!

And now for an example.
This outfit contains the following:
One long sleeved shirt bought in a regular store seven years ago. It has a few holes in it that is hard to mend so I only use it underneath other clothes nowadays. No reason to throw it out yet!
The sleeveless dress is a thrift find and cost me 70 swedish kr (8 USD).
Underneath is a mini skirt I bought maybe five years ago at a cheap Swedish retail store.
The leggings are tights from We Love Colors that I cut away the foot part when my toes managed to create holes large enough for them to peek through.
The belt is another thrift find and cost 30 kr (3.4 USD).
And then there is lipstick from Aromi on etsy.

I walked around the apartment yesterday looking this fancy. Baked Pretzel Rolls and took photos for this blog post. Sometimes you don't need a party to look smashing!

Hope you liked this little guide to budget shopping, that you feel inspired and maybe got a few new ideas for your wardrobe!

By the way: Today marks exactly one year since Lights Out went viral! HURRAH!
We will always remember march 16 2014 as the day when our lives went bananas in the most amazing/weird/wonderful/crazy way! Thank you internet!

/Lotta

Hello!
I have been growing an idea for a blog post for a while now. It's about identity, how it changes, and how you describe yourself to both yourself and the world. But mostly to yourself.

You know when you're joining a new social media community and you need to fill in a bio with a few words that describe you; It's one of those things you can think really hard about for a very long time. To get it right in the number of letters and dots allowed. To get your entire being down to a bunch of characters in a box.
Lately I've been thinking that it was so much easier to do that when I was 18.

I think this (the 30's) is a time in life when many people struggle with the person they thought they always would be and the realisation that you change through time and become something else, or just more of who you were.
I don't think it's fair to call it a midlife crisis so let's call it a midlife realisation instead.
I sometimes think back at my younger self and don't recognize myself then in my grown up self today. It's like I was a different person. I understand that some part of this is just bad memory, but I also believe that the years between then and now have changed me.
When you're a teenager you try so hard to find your identity so that you can scream it from the rooftops.
I went all in with second hand clothing, music and theatre. Things that have stayed with me through the years and will probably be a part of me all my life, but back then I did it whole heartedly- like a teenager- to make sure everybody could see what I was just by looking at me. I wanted everybody to see that I don't care if you think my corduroy pants are too much or my hippie blouses are out of fashion by decades, I am strong in myself and you can't knock me down. The former bullied girl took the fight before it happened so that there wouldn't even be possible to fight. I love that I did that.
I'm still that second hand loving person but I don't have to scream as much anymore and I know what clothes I feel the best in. There's maybe not as much experimentation anymore because I've experimented and found the right formula for me. The clothes that I wear today are actually not very different from what I used to wear in my teenage years, but the reason behind them has changed. They are no longer a statement, they are simply a part of how I express myself everyday. A very joyous part, I might add.

In some ways I think I went so hard for the things I loved to have a clear identity to show. I liked music, then I'm a music fanatic who reads all the magazines, find new music and just go with it full out.
Today when I think about who I am, music is still one of the things I love very much, but I don't think it would be fair to say that I'm such a fanatic anymore. I love music, it's a big part of who I am, but it's not as huge as it was before. I have found the things I like and have no need to search so hard everyday to find new and interesting bands and artists.
And I think I owe it to Lotta 18 years old to admit that I'm not as hardcore and knowledgeable as I was back then. She was better in that departement than the woman I am now.
But to give it to Lotta 33 years old, she's way more awesome at viewing things with an artful eye and creating things with her hands than she was back then.

Things change. You change. And it's hard to catch on sometimes.
If I let go of that personality that I knocked into the world with such fierce passion, then who am I now? It's a feeling of loss, a change of personality that you weren't prepared for.
And even if it is small things, like interests and hobbies, if you hang on to them even though they are not a part of you anymore that can make you feel like you're losing a part of yourself, right?
I think it's important to realise that just because you leave something behind you you're not less of you. Because you've surely picked up on new things along the way to add to your personality.
Maybe it's time to update the biography of yourself by seeing, really seeing, who you are today.
Lotta 18 years old was a strong but scared 70's loving second hand shopping girl who listened to music all day long and remembered all the lyrics to every song, wrote them down and taped them to the walls of her school locker to find reassurance in the words, and more than anything she wanted to be a stage actor at a a beautiful old theatre.
Lotta 33 years old is a strong, and sometimes scared, feminist woman who has found her way in her fashion sense by not caring about trends and the expectations of how a woman should dress or look like- it's all about what she loves, not what anybody else might think- she loves to create artful things in every way she possibly can, and she still wants to act, on stage and in film- more than anything.

Sometimes I hear people talk about how teenagers will grow up and calm down and realise that the world isn't so black and white, and they will need to understand that their idealism isn't something that would work in "the real world".
I think those people have forgotten that you change through time but that doesn't take away the validness from that teenager's thoughts and dreams.
It's like you are many persons in one life and everyone of them has something real and true to say. Just because some people grow up and lose their ideals doesn't mean everybody does. They might find new ways for their thoughts, they might work in different angles but the things they believed in before, right now, and will believe in in the future, might be equally valid. Just different. Or the same thing but with a new layer attached.
I don't think Lotta 18 years old was a wrong, or not complete, version of Lotta in the things she did. Dressing to take power back after years of bullying was an awesome way for her and many of the things I chose to fill my life with back then are still parts of my world, and identity, today.

Clothes and music might be small things in your life, and I'm just using those examples to show a piece of me and the journey that those things has taken me through.
Try to remember what you wanted to be and what you loved doing when you were younger and how you tried to make people see that.
Then think about what of those things that has changed through time to who you are today. And what is new?
Have you catched up on yourself? Have you let go of things you decided then that you love but you maybe don't anymore? Or are you trying to push yourself into a mold that you don't fit into anymore but desperately hang on to anyway?

Because who are you otherwise?