The skies are finally grey and an open window makes difference again.
I’m ready for new music to accompany my steps.
My nails are chipped, and the black polish is more not than there. I think about people who always have nice nails and I envy them, but at the same time; they must be robots.
I walk tall for the first time in years and feel the power that comes from a good posture.
I contemplate washing the grimy windows, but know that it isn't going to happen. Not now. Not soon.
My thoughts travel the same journey lately. Maybe they need to do that before they're complete. Finding my place, my dreams, my purpose in the day to day.
A new playlist starts with one song, and builds to a full soundtrack for this fall that is going to be like nothing I can plan for.
I’m ready to not be ready.

I'm in the middle of in between.
Life’s been busy, exciting and overwhelming lately, and it feels safe to say that it’s about to be all those things soon again, but now is in between-time.
It reminds me of when we first came here. While it’s not the same, it has some connecting points, and that's what we do - find the similarities to create a sense of understanding.
Music resonates with me even more than usual, in a way that I can’t remember it having done before. I go way back in my playlists to find the most nostalgic ones, and every song throws me back in time to another place in time, shuffling out jumbled memories from my life.

The Coral- Dreaming of you
I’m walking the streets of Lund, finding my place in my very first apartment, living by myself, studying theatre history, and making new friends. I go out on the weekends and I dance until I’m a sweaty mess. It's wonderful and a little bit scary.
Regina Spektor- Some days
It's summer, I’m working at a group home in my old home town, singing loudly to the empty corridors in the evening, finding that I love this work but knowing clear as day “I should be acting, this is just temporary.”
Nick Drake- Northern Sky
Back in Lund but now it’s winter. Writing my first paper and studying for tests with a new friend, sitting in my mint green kitchen drinking tea and laughing at jokes from the tv show Friends that we both love and know every episode of by heart.
Bright eyes- Lover I don't have to love
A friend from class kills herself right around Halloween and I’m in shock. There’s so much sorrow and confusion mixed in with living life. Listening to music with sadness and power, and crying loudly with the melodies. So many wonderful, exciting things are happening but how can I be both sad and happy at the same time and I never expected to lose a friend like that. My view on life changes this fall.
Laura Marling- Cross your fingers
Living in Gothenburg now, walking home from a job that makes me miserable, but knowing that David is waiting in my apartment and we’ll take the tram over the bridge to the best Indian restaurant in town. Some days he leaves a funny, yet romantic, note on my coat room floor before taking the train back to his (and my old) hometown. I’m so very much in love.
Atomic Swing- Too late to exit
Going way back to the early 2000s, at the acting school in the middle of nowhere. I wake up early even though it's the weekend and none of my house mates are awake yet. I walk across the lawn outside the student houses, on my way to the gym, to dance alone on the large floor, feeling free and hopeful and rich with friends and creativity.
Florence The Machine- Rabbit Heart (Raise it up)
We have an apartment together now, with a large room for work. David is sitting by his computer on the other side of the room, and I’m editing photos of the jewelry I make and sell. We go for evening walks over the cemetery, and I long for a day when I can work creatively all hours of the day. Projects together, by myself, and no limits.

And now, here I am, standing in our LA kitchen crying because of all emotions possible. It's not sad, it’s powerful. And although music have always done this to me it’s almost too much now. Every song in this playlist have a memory attached to it and remembering everything at once is close to unbearable, but I crave it. It makes the in between-time less of an in between and more of a Right Now.
What songs will remind me of now if I only listen to songs connected to a different time?
Am I reshaping the memories connected to each song into something new?
Something now.

It burns on my bare soles where I stand on the concrete stairs, leaning over the fence to take a photo of a huge agave. It looks like it’s melting and I can relate to that; it’s been warmer than usual for LA which means unbearably warm. We leave the AC on during the night so our apartment isn't a sauna when we get up for breakfast in the morning.
We found Swedish cheese in the grocery store and we make toasts with orange marmalade, and the cheese on top. Together with coffee it’s the most Swedish thing I know. The orange marmalade is of the bitter kind that I used to hate as a child, but now I love it. It still reminds me of that time though, which seems a bit weird. I recognize the taste from back then, but now it’s a good thing.

I wear the same dress every day because it makes me feel invincible, while also being light and thin.
We stay indoors more than usual and I drink way more iced coffee than normally.
We all have our ways to cope with the heat.
I dream of a house with a garden with lots of shade where I could sit all day and drink lemonade.
I dream of a lot of things.

There’s not enough room for my plants infront of the window anymore, but the step to emailing the landlord and ask if it’s okay if we drill some holes in the ceiling for plant hangers is too steep. (What if they say no.)
So I let them crowd.
I go to my very first Alexander Technique lesson and learn that I don't know how to stand and sit right, but I do have "a lovely connection" with my heels. That's a compliment I never thought I'd hear in my lifetime. I feel oddly proud.
I buy a vintage dress on etsy that looks like it would be perfect for the Annabelle Creation red carpet premiere, and while I’m waiting for it to arrive I get more and more anxious. It wasn't expensive, but still; it feels stupid to buy a dress that might end up not fitting.
But it fits. Oh boy does it fit. It’s so beautiful and I can’t believe how good it looks on me. I get so happy and smiley and I actually laugh really loud for a while. David is amazed too. And so are my parents and my friend Hanna that I sent a photo to. Hanna told me she was looking at it several times over the next few days and even showed it to a friend of hers and they both just ”Oh my gosh, its so pretty, ahhh the color, the cut, my EYES!!!”
My thoughts exactly.

When it was this warm two years ago it felt like at least five celsius degrees more than it does today. My pale, freckled body is going all California on me!
I find new paths in our neighborhood and zig zag through winding roads like I have a built in gps. Or, you know, good sense of direction. I’ve never had that before, and if we’re truthful I still don’t. I just recognize the houses, that weird crooked tree, the beautiful cactus, the steep hill. If I were to walk in the opposite direction it would feel like a completely new place to me. I know this because I did it last week and it took me ten minutes to realize I was on my usual route but with my nose pointing the other way. The moment I turned around it was like the world unfolded before me into familiar landscape.
The freshly cut grass and bushes next to the hiking trail smell like licorice, and when I get back home, sweaty and shiny, David says it’s like kissing the ocean.

I get great news on the phone, I buy three different brands of sunscreen because I can’t decide which one to choose, I put ice cubes in the leftover morning coffee, and I breath in the conditioned air. Our apartment is getting warm in that unbearable way, but outdoors feels nicer than it did two years ago and I still can't grasp that it’s me saying ”I love how nice and warm it is!”