I’ve thought about this place a lot lately. I guess that’s why I’m here, again, talking with you.
It’s been so long since I wrote anything meant for this space.

I’ve been evolving.

I had a few months when I had to write only for myself, when I needed to just ramble without filtering feelings and thoughts. It was good, I think. Then I stopped doing that. I didn’t need it anymore. That was good too.
And then the months flew by with Actually Having Real Stuff To Do and oh wow the difference was overwhelming.
At the start of this year I thought a lot about what I wanted to change in my life, and then a week ago I realized I had actually done it. Or at least I’m well on my way towards it.
You know when you’re sad and you say to yourself “If I just had this or if I just had that, everything would be so much better” but you also think “maybe I’m not good enough for this or that” but you work hard, or you let time do its thing, you’re patient (or not so patient but time sure goes anyway), and all of a sudden you have Those Things and yes that WAS exactly what was missing?
Well, that was what happened to me.
One of those things was theater.
I’ve missed it. And now I have it.
It’s just a class. But there is no “just” about it. Because it’s been life changing.
It took a fleeting self confidence, roped it back, secured it safely, right where it belonged, smack dab in the middle of the heart.

I mentioned that I had been thinking about this place lately.
And then, the other day, someone wrote on twitter how much they love this blog.
This previously dying space.
I was surprised.
I went here and I read three pages back and I felt proud of my words. I liked them a lot. Even though the posts have been sporadic, they have been worth it. They have been good.
I’ve missed blogging, but the past five years’ changes in life-privacy-work made it so difficult to know what to make of this place. I can’t go back to blogging the way I used to- I can only move forward- and I really would like this little corner of the internet to be a part of it. If possible.

So if you see me here more than usual, don’t be surprised. And likewise; if you see me here just as sporadically as in the past couple of years, don’t be surprised by that either.
Any of it is worth it.
We’re getting used to rainy days. I bring my umbrella, because I know I will need it later.
People around me are dressed for the weather in a way I haven’t seen Angelenos before. Prepared.
This morning I opened the bathroom window and saw that our patio had turned into a pool. The rain was pouring down so hard and fast it was almost impossible to see anything through the water.
Five Lyft drivers gave up on their way here, but the sixth one made it. I was just about to give up and call it a rain day, when Alejandro drove up next to our house and took me through the flooded streets of Hollywood trafficked by Angelinos who are learning how to drive in heavy rain.
And believe it or not, right now the sun is shining through thick grey skies and the pool on our patio is more of a puddle.

We had a visit from a mountain lion early yesterday morning. He jumped over the stone wall, ran smoothly across our garden and took the stairs up the hill. Security cameras are great for spotting wildlife and mailmen.
Magnolias and Camellias are in bloom all over town, and it’s so green it surprises me every day.
The other week I was out walking when I suddenly had to stop; it smelled just like Sweden in the summertime. It hit me so hard, in the most wonderful way. I stood there and sniffed the air for a good while, laughing and trying to remember what exactly it was that made it feel like Sweden. Lush green plants, soaked through grounds after heavy rainfalls, a nearby lake, sunshine on wet asphalt, and a whiff of seagrass.

I miss the warmth.
We have a lot to long for right now. It’s going to be a once in a lifetime kind of spring, by the looks of it.
The things I long for the most though comes after, when we have time for Sunday afternoon naps again, entwined just so to fit on the narrow couch, breakfasts in the sun at our favorite cafe, walking to the sushi place for lunch, and hanging around our house together- just being.
The small things, are the important things.

/Lotta
We wake up before the alarm goes off.
We sit down to eat our breakfast before the alarm goes off.
It’s a nice novelty; feeling awake in the mornings.
There are people running around our house fixing stuff, and I don’t know what to do with my body. Where do I place it?
The AC is dismantled due to construction, and LA is currently in the middle of a heat wave, so indoors isn’t any better that outdoors.

But our house is wonderful.
We’ve lived her for a little over a week now and I’ve felt at home from the moment all of our stuff was inside and the movers had gone.
We drive by the old apartment sometimes, and isn’t it strange how it already feels like a life time ago? There’s not a single trace of home left in that building.
The brain moves on so quickly. Sometimes.

We live in the treetops, our kitchen gives off some serious summer cottage vibes- it’s the light, I think, yesterday a bird sat down on the open window ledge just to sing for a little while, my plants thrive, and the afternoon light in our living room is just magical.
It’s more than we could imagine.
Will this ever feel normal?

/Lotta
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We came back mid May.
We reveled in being home. We stayed in. We ate sushi. We walked around the neighborhood, marveling about the blooming trees and the fragrant jasmine bushes.
It felt so good to be home.
We went to the mountains for our yearly trip. We stayed in a cabin in the clouds. The fog was thick as it rolled in at a speed I didn’t think possible. It looked sped up. I got a surreal feeling that maybe we are miniature people in a miniature world, and a giant is smoking right into the diorama that we call L I F E.
It was a great weekend. The perfect mixture of relaxation/boredom/creative recharge.
And now we’re once again back home and it’s So Good.

LA feels right. I can’t describe it any other way.
Sometimes I think that I shouldn’t like it here. I’m not supposed to love this strange city. But I do.
It’s not something I can, or would want to, change.
I’m just a bit surprised, is all.

Things are brewing, I have my toes in the water, getting used to the heat.
Soon I’ll dip my entire body in there.

/Lotta
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