The weeks move past in a strange combination of euphoria and boredom.
Annabelle Creation premieres and it’s glamour and excitement to no end. It's actually amazing, how well it goes and how fun it is. I wear a vintage dress that I found online and it fits like a dream. It surprises me, because how is it even possible to buy something on the internet that looks like it's made for you?
But I did, and I'm in love; with the color, the cut, the feel, the e v e r y t h i n g.
At the after-party I’m hit with the realization that we know people here now. At the Lights Out premiere we still felt new, and even though it's just one movie later it feels different. The tips of our wings are almost touching the ground on the landing strip.

We’re having meetings together for the first time and it feels just like it should: Simple and natural (and Finally). We have so much we want to do, right now is just the prologue.

We’re starting to feel a change in the air too. I'm talking about going from being anonymous to being somewhat recognizable.
It's very weird.
So far it's mostly fun when people come up to us and say hi, but there is that gnawing feeling of “is this going to get too intense?”
People on the internet all of a sudden treat us like we’re famous but we still feel like we’re the same people we've always been. It happened almost overnight, tweets and comments went from “hey I like what you do” to “hey, help me make my dream come true, buy me a camera, read my script”. And I get it, but I’m also starting to understand the really famous people; becoming less open with their lives, more cynical, and never ever reading comments or engaging on social media. (Omg I don't want that! I want to be allowed to just be me!)
Never in my life did I think I was going to have to prepare for things like this. Not that there’s any real preparations going on, but you know- there are thoughts and feelings, and learning to not respond to people demanding things from us that we can't give anyways. It all boils down to this: knowing who we are, and never letting anything or anyone change that. It's harder than you would think to go from being someone that only friends and family have opinions on, to having complete strangers thinking they know what kind of person you are.

During all of this I’m having doctor’s appointments because of stomach problems and the one thing I suspected- endometriosis- turns out to be correct, but so are two other problems I did not see coming. SIBO and hernias. So now I’m on a boring diet that confuses me SO much, but is going better than I thought it would, and it's nice knowing what to do. Antibiotics, surgery and diet. I can do this.

And then, then there's the dream of a house in the south of Sweden we could call home. Somewhere to go when we need fresh air, sea breeze, and quiet. A getaway home in what used to be our home country, because right now we have no place to call ours in Sweden and the sense of not having roots is strong.
It's so weird to even be able to think those thoughts, though. A dream I’ve had since I was 8 years old. Might it come true?
It burns on my bare soles where I stand on the concrete stairs, leaning over the fence to take a photo of a huge agave. It looks like it’s melting and I can relate to that; it’s been warmer than usual for LA which means unbearably warm. We leave the AC on during the night so our apartment isn't a sauna when we get up for breakfast in the morning.
We found Swedish cheese in the grocery store and we make toasts with orange marmalade, and the cheese on top. Together with coffee it’s the most Swedish thing I know. The orange marmalade is of the bitter kind that I used to hate as a child, but now I love it. It still reminds me of that time though, which seems a bit weird. I recognize the taste from back then, but now it’s a good thing.

I wear the same dress every day because it makes me feel invincible, while also being light and thin.
We stay indoors more than usual and I drink way more iced coffee than normally.
We all have our ways to cope with the heat.
I dream of a house with a garden with lots of shade where I could sit all day and drink lemonade.
I dream of a lot of things.

There’s not enough room for my plants infront of the window anymore, but the step to emailing the landlord and ask if it’s okay if we drill some holes in the ceiling for plant hangers is too steep. (What if they say no.)
So I let them crowd.
I go to my very first Alexander Technique lesson and learn that I don't know how to stand and sit right, but I do have "a lovely connection" with my heels. That's a compliment I never thought I'd hear in my lifetime. I feel oddly proud.
I buy a vintage dress on etsy that looks like it would be perfect for the Annabelle Creation red carpet premiere, and while I’m waiting for it to arrive I get more and more anxious. It wasn't expensive, but still; it feels stupid to buy a dress that might end up not fitting.
But it fits. Oh boy does it fit. It’s so beautiful and I can’t believe how good it looks on me. I get so happy and smiley and I actually laugh really loud for a while. David is amazed too. And so are my parents and my friend Hanna that I sent a photo to. Hanna told me she was looking at it several times over the next few days and even showed it to a friend of hers and they both just ”Oh my gosh, its so pretty, ahhh the color, the cut, my EYES!!!”
My thoughts exactly.
When it was this warm two years ago it felt like at least five celsius degrees more than it does today. My pale, freckled body is going all California on me!
I find new paths in our neighborhood and zig zag through winding roads like I have a built in gps. Or, you know, good sense of direction. I’ve never had that before, and if we’re truthful I still don’t. I just recognize the houses, that weird crooked tree, the beautiful cactus, the steep hill. If I were to walk in the opposite direction it would feel like a completely new place to me. I know this because I did it last week and it took me ten minutes to realize I was on my usual route but with my nose pointing the other way. The moment I turned around it was like the world unfolded before me into familiar landscape.
The freshly cut grass and bushes next to the hiking trail smell like licorice, and when I get back home, sweaty and shiny, David says it’s like kissing the ocean.

I get great news on the phone, I buy three different brands of sunscreen because I can’t decide which one to choose, I put ice cubes in the leftover morning coffee, and I breath in the conditioned air. Our apartment is getting warm in that unbearable way, but outdoors feels nicer than it did two years ago and I still can't grasp that it’s me saying ”I love how nice and warm it is!”
June gloom came on May 31.
A week and a day later the grey skies have grown darker and heavier. On my head.
I walk in high wooden heels on streets covered in flower petal confetti; even the trees feel the burden of the skies.
At the French cafe the waiter who knows me gives me foamed milk for my coffee just to be nice, and I take a moment to register that I'm a regular here now. I get cranky if my usual table is taken, but today there is no reason to worry- no one wants to sit outdoors when grey skies are pressing down on you. But me.
I'm not letting gloom win.

Some days, like this day, the music in my earphones sound especially like theme songs to my life. I lift the coffee cup to my lips and feel like I'm in a movie. The cars driving by are background extras and the thoughts in my head are scripted perfectly.
A guy sits down at the table in front of me, living his life without theme songs in his ears. I feel sad for him because right now my movie is at the point where the music rises into a powerful crescendo symbolizing strength, willpower and mightiness. Nothing can crush me.

The waiter comes back to ask if I want more coffee and I remove one of my earbuds to let the outside world in. There is no movie, there is June gloom and car horns and a raindrop falling into my cup. But yes, I want more coffee and isn't it time for lunch soon and I'll walk on my high wooden heels to meet up with you and when we kiss we will be the same height and you will get some of my lipstick on your lips and we'll have our lunch outdoors because weather doesn't rule. We do.
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