2014 was a weird year.
Can't really explain in any other way. It was absolutely bonkers.

I started off the year with lots of ideas and a promise to myself that I was going to try to be more brave - I even called 2014 the Year of Creative Bravery- and I set a few projects in motion that I felt so much about. That got totally turned upside down by one, shall we call it, incident.
Lights Out went viral.
It happened over night and changed everything.
All my projects, my blog, my jewelry and my plans sort of had to slow down for the rest of the year to just let all the adventure unfold. And it did. Slooooowly and unsurely.
It's been a year of so much waiting and hoping and dreaming and sometimes I've been extremely frustrated and other times I've felt as calm as a "filbunke" (Swedish expression that means very very calm. Like super slow.)

I've blogged for many years (since 2008) but I really wasn't prepared for people talking about me on the internet. Commenting on my body and looks both in positive -but mostly in negative- ways.
Especially since people seems to be of the impression that I am now rich and famous and should be able to take the bad with the good.
It required me to really reflect on some things. Like, how do I read the comments, the good and the bad, without letting them get to me. Well, the bad at least.
Because internet comments works in mysterious ways. I can get ten really lovely ones and then along comes a meanie and says I'm fat and ugly and untalanted and then that is all I can hear. Over and over and over in my head.

I read somewhere that the reason why negative comments hurt so bad is because when we read them we hear our own voice saying all those bad things to ourselves, and that makes it hit us harder.
I pondered on all of it for a while and then I decided it was time to write about this in Being a Woman in a Short Film Gone Viral.
To say "no, I don't accept this. It is NOT OK to talk about me this way."
I know it won't stop the mean comments but it very much made me stronger. I had said No, to them- but mostly to myself.

It also really helped that my post was picked up by a local radio station that wanted to have me talking about my experience on air. It was so much fun and I realised I had really thought all of this through and had come out of it with a better confidence.

Plus I have a folder in my phone with screencaps of every nice comment about me, so when I do get a bad one I can look in that folder and be a happy person again.
It's the small things, you know.

Now to the part about 2014 being the year of creative bravery.
I started off the year super hard and wrote my most personal blog post ever. To be brave.
It was about how being bullied as a child has affected me all the way into my 30's. It still does, actually, and I think it always will. But to write this text made me feel a whole lot freer. I don't need to pretend that it didn't mean anything to me. It meant a whole lot, and I strive to keep pushing against my fears and make myself become amazing because of it.

In other brave news I did something that I never spoke about on my blog.
I applied to a photography school.
It's been something I've been wanting to do for a long time but never really had the guts to before.
So I applied. I took photos for the application tests and I got called on an interview.
It felt so good. I was so happy when I left the school and thought: I have done my very best.
The day before midsummer's eve I got a letter that let me know I didn't get in, but was put on their waiting list.
I was nr 6 that day.
When classes had started I was nr 1 in line. And there it stopped.
I can't explain to you how sad I was. I had hoped so incredibly much for this.
The thing is: My number one dream in life has always been acting but a few years ago I kind of gave up a little.
I was tired of trying and started to make jewelry and take photos instead because that I could do on my own. And I fell in love with it.
So when another dream fell through it hurt a lot.

And then everything started to happen with Lights Out and I started to feel hope again. For acting. My first and biggest dream.
Could it be possible?
And that's where I am today. Thinking that maybe it is. Maybe it's time to give my ultimate dream a new chance. To say to the world yet again: I want to be an actress.
In film, on stage. Writing with David. That is my dream, my plan and my goal.
And the jewelry and photography gets to tag along but they are not on the forefront right now. Acting is.
It is scary to say. But I'm being brave now. It is 2015 at least.

When I looked through all my posts and photos from 2014 I realised that even though it has felt like everything has been put on hold because of all the waiting and hoping, I have still done a lot of things.

Here's the short version:

TRAVEL

We went to Copenhagen a beautiful spring weekend to do something together after spending so much time thinking/reading/talking/working Lights Out and everything surrounding it.
Here's those posts:
Friday Evening
Sunny Saturday
Lazy Sunday

On midsummer David and I went on a weekend trip to Varberg and Tjörn.

We spent Midsummer's eve in Varberg.

And midsummer's day at the beautiful Tjörn Island.

We went to Österlen a few times too of course.
A spring day in Rörum has some really nice photos, I think.

And the beautiful summer week.

When it was our wedding anniversary we went on a roadtrip that was so fun and exciting!

Anniversary Roadtrip: Friday. Where we found a fairytale forest.

Anniversary Roadtrip: Sunday. Part 1. Includes an old railway bridge, a frog and an abandoned house.

Anniversary Roadtrip: Sunday. Part 2 At the wonderful and exciting and weird car cemetery.

I love all of the blogposts from our roadtrip! It was the best way to celebrate our first anniversary as married, and we hope that we'll be able to go on a roadtrip adventure every year around that date.

And then in November we went to Los Angeles so that David could meet up with his agents, managers and producers. It was a great trip and now I really can't wait for 2015 to really get started.

PHOTOGRAPHY

During 2015 I had photoshoots with the gorgeous Ruby and my Tangled Triangle necklaces.
With the beautiful Ida for my This Growing Collection.
I photographed my father Peder Losten for his new record Fritiof & Grabbarna.
I started my photography self portrait series A Lotta Dancing by dancing in a forest outside St Olof in the south of Sweden.
I also modeled my Tangled Triangle necklaces in a photoshoot I did together with David called Old Timey Diva Meets Tangled Triangle.

FILMS

David and I made a couple of new shortfilms that we wrote together.
Pictured
Not So Fast that might be my favourite.

Coffer
And See You Soon that we made for Raindance film festival's 14 second horror film competition.

I made a video for the release of This Growing Collection where you can hear me sing.

And in december I made the wonderfully silly Advent Calendar sitcom A Whole Lotta Christmas.

But, of course. The most revolutionary things that happened for both David and me 2014 revolved around Lights Out. We won Best Short at FANT Bilbao.
Lots of festivals around the world screened Lights Out. To name a few: Dead By Dawn, FilmQuest, Fant Bilbao, Telluride, Horror Show Uppsala, International Short Film Festival, Hallucinations Collective, Festival Tous Courts, Horror Vision, Alcine 44 Spain, Braunschweig International Film Festival, Terrorfest Barcelona, Örebro Filmfestival, Fantastic Film Festival of Malaga, Synesthesia Film Festival, Meme Pas Peur, Gorefest, Narkolepsy Short Film Festival, Reading & Leeds Festival, Fascurt Barcelona, Cortopolis International Film Festival, Festival du Film Merveilleux.

Lights Out has been seen by a staggering amount of people now. Our youtube upload has 8.2 million views at the moment. Our vimeo upload has reached 9.6 million. There is another person that has uploaded the short and has almost 3 million views on it. Plus a bunch of others.
So 20 million views is probably to count it low.
So crazy amazing it really can't be grasped.

And there's a lot going on behind the scenes that I can't talk about yet but soooooon, hopefully!

Also:
The Theatre group I'm part of- Teater Esther- premiered the play Perfect Life AB that was written by our director Frida Hartvigsson after discussions from the group. It was a dark comedy that left the audience with a lot to think about afterwords. Teater Esther is such a huge part of my life. Perfect Life AB was our first own play and I'm so proud and happy to be a part of that awesome group!

The week before Christmas I attended the Christmas fair in the shopping mall Nordstan here in Gothenburg with my jewelry.
If you got a Lotta Losten jewelry piece for christmas: Hiiii! Hope you love it!

So let's get this year started, OK?
I have never really felt like this around new years before; I believe 2015 will be an adventure.
Wanna tag along? One of my wishes for the year is for me to blog more, so pop in here often.

Another thing I hope is to get to know more people- both on the internet and in real life, because one bad thing that all this waiting and hoping has done is make it quite a lonely year. When so much exciting stuff is happening that I can't talk about (yet!) it gets so much easier to just not talk to people.
So if you feel like I havent talked to you enough during 2014: 2015 is the year when I won't stop talking!